The one where I went away...

So I'm off the Interweb for a week and I probably need two or three full days to catch up on everything.

And what did I do with my week?

I spend it with 20 other adults in a small cabin in the woods. (All students trying to educate ourselves as teachers - and our teacher).
To some this might sound really boring or even unbearable, but it was actually quite a good time. We didn’t spend much off our time in the cabin per say, we were out and about in the woods or other similar places in the area.
The last night we were having this big dinner party (well, as big as it can get, when you live in a cabin) and there were a lot of entertaining. At one point we were to take a quiz about each other and if we were wrong we got a secret assignment. And it was to be performed in a way that it was not obvious that it was the assignment we were doing.
The next morning one of the elder women (we were aged from 22 - 55) stood up and said, that because she had had a difficult time doing her assignment she would read it out load. Ta-da. Her assignment was to convince one of the opposite sex, that she was bisexual. She had no idea on how to do that. In my mind I went "WTF?".
Okay so maybe she didn't have a clue but I don't know whether I was more upset about the fact that she said what she said or that it was a assignment to 'pretend to be bisexual'. I didn't have the time to decide because people started making comments like: "Oh no, that would have been hard." or "I wouldn't know that either." or "I think I could have done it - but I'm not bisexual". So much for living in a liberal country. Then someone made a comment saying "Who the F*CK made this?" and I sort of snapped out of my trance. And we all went into a bit of a discussion about sexuality. I'm not out to these people, and I had no intention of coming out to them - at least not at that point.
Actually I think the assignment was supposed to have been giving to our teacher. She kind of reminds me of Brennan from "Bones" (and I mean this in the most respectful way). She's quite remarkable and very, very good at what she does (she's a biologist). Somehow I don' think she would have been freaked out by the assignment. It's more likely she would have seen it as an experiment in human behavior. I don't think she's bisexual though (but if she was she should definitely give me a call. She's kinda hot. I mean she is hot but in Bones kinda way... Bah. Like Annabelle I'm intrigued)
Anyway.

Besides that it was fun. Rough but fun.
And now I'm off to catch up on other blogs, YouTube, AfterEllen, eurOut... I'm in for a busy weekend.....
Enjoy yours.
Have fun.

To be on not to be - in therapy

I’M GAY!!!!

Well by now it isn’t the big surprise, but I just found out, that I probably have been gay all my life. I had settled for bisexual (leaning towards women) a few years back (and finally came out to my family last year), but I never went along with the whole gay thing….

Recently (as in little over a week ago) I got a new carpet for my living room (no, that’s not the gay part…) and I had to move all my furniture out. One of the things I had to move was this cupboard/closet thing and I found my old diary. Back from when I was around 12 or 13.(Maybe I should add that I recently had picked it up at my parents place but not had had the time to go through it yet).
Anyway. I have previously mentioned my huge (gigantic) crush on my English-teacher. This was the evidence… As I read the pages I felt the butterflies again, but all of a sudden I came to some pages about something that I had totally forgotten. At least some of it - well most of it. (I think the word is repression).
Apparently (and now I’m just guessing – it was not written in my diary) my crush led to the fact that my school thought I needed to see the school therapist (or counselor or what ever you call it)!?! So I did. And after a few weeks of therapy I did indeed need to see a therapist!

We talked about school in general. Then we talked about my family (that didn’t go exactly like she planned – I come from a very functional family). And eventually we got to the BIG PROBLEM.

My English-teacher. Or rather my crush on her.

Let’s call her Simone (just for the fun of it – in honor of another hot teacher).
“Simone’s afraid, that you might have fallen in love with her.” It was not a question. And it didn’t sound like it was okay. It sounded more like it was punishable by death. So of course I responded: “No. No! I’m not!” And at the same time it felt like a bucket of ice cold water had been thrown at my face. My therapist could not have helped but notice that I was lying but she smiled and said: “Then all is good.” As I wrote in my diary: “I don’t even remember how I got through the rest of the session” (which was the final one)...and “My life is ruined”.
The next day I wrote in my diary: “Maybe it’s time to start liking boys.” Followed by a drawing of a sad face.

Maybe the fact that I never really got past the first date with most boys should have been an indicator? And that it wasn’t till I met the guy that's now my ex-husband (thank G_d) I ever slept with any (guy). And that fact that I never really enjoyed it anyway… Don’t worry I won’t go into details. I’ll just leave it at this. But…
I guess I’ve always felt like something was missing in my life. And admitting to myself that guys just don’t do it for me… It was a pretty big step. But admitting it to my family was probably the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. It sounds weird I know, but hear me out.
It felt soooo liberating to say it out loud. And it sort of made it more real. Not that I wasn’t sure before I told them, but I think the whole fear of them reacting like it was a bad thing kind of held me back.

It was a bit weird realizing that I've actually seen myself as gay when I was 12/13 (maybe not in as many words). Think of all the time I have wasted convincing myself that I should like boys and feeling all different and wrong because it never really worked. Damn that therapist!

Additional lesson learned: Go through your old stuff on a regular basis. You never know if you find some old piece of information that could have been useful a decade or two ago.

Goodbye 2008 HELLO 2009

It has been a year of many great and not so great things. As always. But this year was special for me.
This year I finally came to terms with myself - with my sexuality. And I told my family (parents, sister, brother-in-law) - pretty big steps for a girl who wouldn't admit it to herself for years. The rest of my family doesn’t know (or at least I haven't told them yet).
Like I've written before - I realized that I had never been in love with a man - only women (and girls - when I was younger). And although I have yet to experience the physical part of being with a woman - I know that it's for me. I've never really enjoyed being with a man (physically) - but it felt like that was expected. "Get a boyfriend, get married, have 2,5 kids". So I did - got a boyfriend (but not until I was 19). I even got married (at 24 - and divorced at 25. No kids though). And it turned out it was all in my head. When I came out to my parents, my dad said: "I don't care who you are dating. As long as you are happy!"
Some might say that it was about time I figured it out - but I guess I've always known that I was attracted to women. Just never admitted it.
If I have to label myself, I guess I would have to go with 'bisexual' for now. But I prefer the term 'gay'. I think it's more fluent.

I discovered "The L Word" (all 5 seasons), "Loving Annabelle" and "Imagine Me And You" among other movies/series this year.

Further more 2008 was the year I got to 'know' a whole bunch of people on YouTube, AfterEllen, Blogger/Blogspot, MySpace, Twitter, Facebook... Well on the Internet.
And I think they are part of the reason I finally came out - both to myself but also to my nearest family. Not that I thought there was anything wrong with being gay - but still. In the words of a much 'hated' singer this year: "That's not what good girls do". Guess what? They do!

And as for my resolutions this year... I actually first decided not to have any. Mainly because I tend to break them. But thinking about what I would do different next year I ended up with:

1. Not 'play' straigt every single time a cute girl talks to me (for some really odd reason I always have to bring up 'my ex-husband'. Why do I do that?)
   
   
2. Go for it! (I tend to be uber careful about almost everything. It's time to loosen up a bit. And jump into things.)
   
   
3. Maybe I'll watch some Battlestar Galactica and listen to Tegan and Sara - just to see what all the fuzz is about ;o)
   
   

Who knows? 2009 might just be my year.

So all that's left to say is:

I hope you all have a Happy New Year



...And I hope you don't feel all too or .....

See you next year.