Goodbye 2008 HELLO 2009

It has been a year of many great and not so great things. As always. But this year was special for me.
This year I finally came to terms with myself - with my sexuality. And I told my family (parents, sister, brother-in-law) - pretty big steps for a girl who wouldn't admit it to herself for years. The rest of my family doesn’t know (or at least I haven't told them yet).
Like I've written before - I realized that I had never been in love with a man - only women (and girls - when I was younger). And although I have yet to experience the physical part of being with a woman - I know that it's for me. I've never really enjoyed being with a man (physically) - but it felt like that was expected. "Get a boyfriend, get married, have 2,5 kids". So I did - got a boyfriend (but not until I was 19). I even got married (at 24 - and divorced at 25. No kids though). And it turned out it was all in my head. When I came out to my parents, my dad said: "I don't care who you are dating. As long as you are happy!"
Some might say that it was about time I figured it out - but I guess I've always known that I was attracted to women. Just never admitted it.
If I have to label myself, I guess I would have to go with 'bisexual' for now. But I prefer the term 'gay'. I think it's more fluent.

I discovered "The L Word" (all 5 seasons), "Loving Annabelle" and "Imagine Me And You" among other movies/series this year.

Further more 2008 was the year I got to 'know' a whole bunch of people on YouTube, AfterEllen, Blogger/Blogspot, MySpace, Twitter, Facebook... Well on the Internet.
And I think they are part of the reason I finally came out - both to myself but also to my nearest family. Not that I thought there was anything wrong with being gay - but still. In the words of a much 'hated' singer this year: "That's not what good girls do". Guess what? They do!

And as for my resolutions this year... I actually first decided not to have any. Mainly because I tend to break them. But thinking about what I would do different next year I ended up with:

1. Not 'play' straigt every single time a cute girl talks to me (for some really odd reason I always have to bring up 'my ex-husband'. Why do I do that?)
   
   
2. Go for it! (I tend to be uber careful about almost everything. It's time to loosen up a bit. And jump into things.)
   
   
3. Maybe I'll watch some Battlestar Galactica and listen to Tegan and Sara - just to see what all the fuzz is about ;o)
   
   

Who knows? 2009 might just be my year.

So all that's left to say is:

I hope you all have a Happy New Year



...And I hope you don't feel all too or .....

See you next year.

Loving Annabelle... and me

I love "Loving Annabelle." And I was obsessed with it, when I got the DVD. I saw it EVERY DAY. Actually I saw at least once every day the first week – or two. Eventually I just skipped to the good parts (and refused to watch the ending - I'm over that now...)
Why was I so obsessed you might ask (well I suppose you don't - that would involve reading this post - but I asked myself then)?

1. Erin Kelly is hot! Duh!
2. Diane Gaidry is hot (and I'm not usually into blondes! Except for my first serious crush...)!
3. Several hot scenes!

4. I could relate to the story.
Not the boarding school-story.
Not the ‘I am a rebellion teenager’-story. (Well maybe just a bit…)
Certainly to the ‘I have a huge crush on my hot teacher’-story (Oh yeah..).
But I think my main obsession was with Simone’s story. Not the ‘I have a crush on my way younger student’ part of the story but her realization of her own desires – the ones who involve women. When she realizes that she’s allowed to be herself. That she’s allowed to be happy.
I WAS Simone in that story. All the way down to the very, very, very bad sex with the boyfriend. The look on her face during that scene (and it was brilliant acting. Brilliant!). It just… That was how I felt.
Now you might ask (or I did) why were you with a guy in the first place? Well I was not just ‘with him’. We actually were married… Not the happiest time of my life. What can I say? I did what I thought was expected of me – being a good girl and all. Well it’s a long story – a longer story than that. Maybe I’ll write more about that later…
Back to Simone… Or me…
I went through a journey much similar to Simone's.
From vague realization to denial to really big eye opener. And in between lots of major or minor crushes. But not recognized as such. More like: She looks hot - maybe I just want to own her clothes...? Or She's really cute - maybe I just want her as my friend...? Nah. Who was I kidding?

Anyway. I guess that was why I was obsessed this particular movie.

On a sidenote my first obsession with a gaymovie was with "Imagine Me And You". If you look beside the coming out story (and the hot women) it has a bit of denial and realization in it. Again. Relating! And obsession!